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Rethinking Anxiety: It’s Not a Flaw — It’s a Signal
For most of us, anxiety is something to fear, suppress, or avoid. We’re taught from an early age that being anxious means something’s wrong — with the situation or, worse, with us. But what if anxiety isn't a weakness or a disorder at all? What if it’s actually trying to help?
Dr. David Rosmarin, Harvard Medical School psychologist and author of Thriving with Anxiety, challenges the conventional view. He says:
“If you don’t have anxiety, something’s probably wrong.”
That might sound shocking at first. But Rosmarin’s research and clinical experience — spanning over 10,000 patients — reveals that anxiety is a normal, essential human emotion. Just like joy, sadness, or anger, it exists for a reason: to alert us to risk, motivate action, and signal when something deeply matters to us.
The Hidden Cost of Misunderstanding Anxiety
We’ve created a culture where any sign of anxiety is immediately pathologized. In fact, Rosmarin warns that the widespread over-diagnosis of anxiety is creating an epidemic of fear — not of the world, but of our own feelings.
According to Rosmarin:
“We’ve become allergic to normal anxiety, and that’s what’s really making us sick.”
When we resist anxiety, try to numb it, or judge ourselves for feeling it, we activate more stress hormones, perpetuating the cycle. Over time, this leads to emotional burnout, avoidance behaviors, and disconnection — both from ourselves and the people we love.
But there’s another way.
The Four-Step Process to Thrive With Anxiety
Rather than eliminating anxiety, Rosmarin teaches a four-step method to work with it and even grow because of it. Here’s how it breaks down:
1. Identify: What’s Really Causing the Fear?
Instead of spiraling in vague dread, get specific. Are you anxious about the meeting — or about being judged in the meeting? Are you nervous about your child’s school event — or about what others might think of your parenting?
Often, just naming the true fear brings relief. This practice builds self-awareness, the foundation of emotional intelligence.
Try this: Do a 10-minute brain dump. Write down everything that’s bothering you. Then, sift through and identify the root causes — the emotional “saplings” as Rosmarin calls them. Most people find just two or three main themes driving most of their stress.
2. Share: Connection Calms the Nervous System
Talking about anxiety — with a friend, partner, coach, or therapist — is one of the fastest ways to break its power. It’s not about fixing it. It’s about being seen and validated.
Rosmarin emphasizes:
“Share it with someone else. Make it a point of connection, not a source of shame.”
Letting others in doesn’t just make you feel better — it literally reduces cortisol, the stress hormone. And it strengthens relationships through vulnerability.
Tip: When sharing, be clear about what you need. You might say, “I’m not asking for advice — I just need someone to listen while I talk through this.”
3. Embrace: Face the Thing That Scares You (Gradually)
This step often gets the most resistance. Who wants to do the thing that triggers anxiety?
But here’s the paradox: avoiding what makes us anxious keeps us stuck. Facing it, even in small doses, builds resilience and retrains the brain.
This doesn’t mean throwing yourself into panic. It means gentle, repeated exposure to what’s uncomfortable — like flying again after turbulence, going to a party without liquid courage, or practicing a presentation out loud.
“It’s like going to the gym,” Rosmarin explains. “You build emotional muscle by doing hard things safely.”
Why Letting Go Is the Most Radical Step of All
4. Let Go: Control Is the Illusion That Fuels Anxiety
At its core, anxiety is often about control — trying to predict, prepare, or prevent bad outcomes. But much of life is uncertain. Trying to master everything only deepens the sense of helplessness.
The final step is letting go. Not in a reckless way — but in a wise, freeing way that acknowledges our limits and redirects energy toward what we can do.
Letting go is deeply spiritual for many. It’s about trusting that even in the unknown, we can handle what comes.
Rosmarin puts it beautifully:
“When we stop resisting anxiety and stop needing certainty, we begin to thrive.”
What Most People Get Wrong About Anxiety
We often try to suppress anxiety through overwork, avoidance, substance use, or distraction. Parents tell their kids, “You’ll be fine,” without listening. We self-medicate with wine or screen time. We mistake anxiety for danger, when it’s often just discomfort.
And here’s the kicker: resisting anxiety makes it worse.
It spikes adrenaline. It convinces your body you’re in danger. And it keeps you from doing the very things that help you heal.
Redefining Strength: Why Moderate Anxiety Can Be a Superpower
Research shows that people with moderate anxiety levels (what Rosmarin calls the “4–6 range” on a 1–9 scale) often outperform others in high-stakes situations. Why?
Because anxiety sharpens attention. It tells you something matters. It fuels preparation, empathy, and emotional insight.
“Feeling nervous means you care. It means you’re engaged. That’s not weakness — that’s strength.”
Practical Tips You Can Use Today
✍️ Do a brain dump: Write down your worries. Then find the real fear under the surface.
🗣 Talk to someone: Even a five-minute vent can shift your perspective and calm your system.
🚶♀️ Take a tiny step: Avoiding something? Face a smaller version of it today.
🧘 Practice letting go: Remind yourself, “This is uncomfortable, but I can handle it.”
📖 Read more: Thriving with Anxiety offers more detailed tools, real-life stories, and guidance.
Conclusion: You Are Not Broken — You Are Growing
Here’s the truth that changes everything:
You don’t need to be anxiety-free to live a good life.
You just need to understand it. Befriend it. Work with it instead of fighting it.
When anxiety shows up, it’s not a sign you’re failing — it’s a sign you’re stepping into something important.
“Anxiety can be your greatest teacher,” Rosmarin reminds us. “It points you toward what matters most.”
So instead of running from anxiety, try this: Pause. Ask what it’s trying to show you. Share it. Step toward it. Let go where you need to.
You may just find that your greatest discomfort becomes your deepest strength.
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